The chronically overdue fourth installment of inspirational quotes so fake that only the gullible would believe them. Or an American high school graduate. Either.
Be honest with me — if you’re a Twitter user, don’t you become utterly exhausted of seeing inspirational wisdom tweeting by endlessly on your Twitter stream? Doesn’t it make you want to stop being the glowing, positive soul you really are and take up a sport where you can beat the living crap out of someone legally?
Not being particularly athletic, I have chosen to settle for the next best thing: mockery.
Are we sitting comfortably? Good. Let’s begin.
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The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. And yesterday. And that one last Tuesday was pretty tough, too.
~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
If you’re going through Hell, don’t stop for the hitch hikers.
~ Aleister Crowley
What is to give sleep must endure snoring.
~ Al Franken
Opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in spandex and looks like Richard Simmons.
~ Stephen Covey
Never doubt that a small group of people who have been committed can change the world. Indeed, it is the basis of American politics.
~ Margaret Mead
The twin killers of success are impatience, greed, and poor math skills.
~ Alan Greenspan
It is safe to look within. Until, of course, you get to that impossibly deep pit that glows red at the bottom and has all those demons bouncing around and mocking you obscenely. Otherwise, it’s perfectly safe.
~ G. I. Gurdjieff
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(Hey — if I have to explain who he was, then the joke was lost on you, anyway.)
I learned the value of hard work by working hard.
~ Paris Hilton
I hear and I remember. I see and I understand. I legislate and I forget again.
~ John McCain
You can’t solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created it.
~ Tony Hayward
God is the stalker we cannot get arrested and whom we eventually invite to dinner.
~ Rumi
In reality there are no others, and by helping yourself you help everybody else.
~ Bernie Madoff
Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. It works for me.
~ Harry Reid
Men are not punished for their sins, or by their sins … or for anything, the wretched little weasels.
~ Sandra Day O’Connor
The only place where your dream becomes impossible is in your own thinking … especially if you happen to be thinking in Washington.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger
The power of imagination makes us infinite. Or at least really big.
~ George W. Bush
God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used a couple to tell the boss “Would you please shut up — I’m trying to sleep!”
(I tried to find the attribution on this one, but it doesn’t really look like it came from Andy Rooney.)
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© 2010, by Daniel Brenton. All Rights Reserved.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I love this.
The only way I can carry on following people that quote all day long is that occasionally – when I get stabby – I take the quotes and add my own little smart-assery to them. But this? This is genius!
Lori –
Thank you.
Genius? Let’s not get carried away …
From here on out, the next installments of “No, No, No” will be over on my humor/satire blog High Oddness.
– Daniel